Introduction
Why would John allow this Nazi fighter pilot ghost to hijack all aspects of my life so profoundly?
The following account describes events that took place in the early hours of December 16, 2016 [1]. The following entry is written as if captured in the moment, with elements drawn from my journal of that time. With so many paranormal events occurring during this time, I didn’t always have the opportunity to document everything.
What baffled me most was Hans’s ability to infiltrate every facet of my existence—physical, spiritual, creative, and oneiric. At the time, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why would John allow this Nazi fighter pilot ghost to consume my life so profoundly? Up until this point, John had been fiercely protective, even possessive. Paranormal interactions with other spirits were either rare or verboten.
You’re probably wondering: Who the hell is John?
To this day, I’m still trying to explain this in a way that isn’t confusing or convoluted, especially for an outsider unfamiliar with these overlapping lives, dates, and names. Since it’s impossible to unravel every twist and turn with Hans in one post, I’ve included hypertexts that link to other relevant posts, websites, or notes at the end of this entry.
A Life Intertwined: The Start of Hans’s Influence
Unmasking the Truth: Why Hans cloaked himself in a less threatening persona
I dismissed this dark information as potentially originating from a malevolent entity intent on tormenting me.
I’m currently working on a separate post that delves into why Hans spent years cloaking himself in a less threatening persona, one eerily similar to John, who also shared his striking physical features. The simple reason for this deception? Me.
When Hans became paranormally active in 2010 [2], I shunned his initial attempts to reveal his identity and his recent life as a Luftwaffe pilot [3]. During one of our earliest communication sessions [4], he revealed that we both lived during Nazi Germany. I couldn’t yet connect this revelation to his first astral visitation in 1993. Instead, I dismissed this dark information as potentially originating from a malevolent entity intent on tormenting me [5].
Hans crafted this narrative to ease my discomfort, giving me something less painful to process as I began spiritually integrating him into my life.
Although his presence was undeniably paranormal, Hans carried himself with surprising patience. He took my dismissiveness in stride, even saying, “I understand. You can focus on my more recent life in England during the 1960s when you and I were lovers while students at Oxford. I was blond, thin, and handsome then, too.”
That was a lie—or rather, a half-truth. Hans and I weren’t together in the 1960s, but I was a student at Oxford in 1969. Tragically, I died in an automobile accident that December, at just 19 years old [6]. Hans crafted this narrative to ease my discomfort, giving me something less painful to process as I began spiritually integrating him into my life.
A Fast Returner: Living three lives for every one of his—trauma, rebirth, and integration
In the time it took Hans to live one life, I’ve had three, including this one. I call myself a “fast returner,” as my previous two lives ended traumatically: once in an air-raid bombing and then in the car accident.
Whenever I question my worthiness in light of Hans’s life, he always reassures me:
You are the brave one in this relationship—a true warrior. It takes courage to die many lives and begin again. And even more to return as an artist, knowing your visions will often be misunderstood or dismissed. Let your ‘freak flag fly,’ as you like to say, and know that I love and adore you. I am with you always.
Below, the accounts from December 16, 2016...
Wrestling with Identity: Who Is Hans to Me and what does John think?
I couldn’t stop asking myself: Why does Hans keep visiting me? Who is he to me, and what does John think?
Interestingly, John has never visited me in the way Hans does. Even when John appeared to me in shadow form in 2011, his features bore an uncanny resemblance to Hans’s. This begged the question: Is John actually Hans?
Last night, during an astral visitation, I didn’t anticipate the palpable heartbreak and emotional intensity radiating from Hans. The pain was overwhelming, leaving me reeling well into the morning.
A Field of Darkness: Entering Hans’s body to understand his postwar torment
The pain on his face and in his eyes was unmistakable, but I hoped this would become a sexual dream.
I met Hans in what I believe was the German POW camp where he was held after the war. He stood alone in a barren field, surrounded by rolling hills covered in sparse grass. The overcast sky marked the approaching dusk. The pain on his face and in his eyes was unmistakable, but I hoped this would become a sexual dream.
Once inside, I was immediately assaulted by a wave of agonizing discomfort.
He motioned for me to step into his ethereal body. Once inside, I was immediately assaulted by a wave of agonizing discomfort. I felt malnourished, tearful, and broken, as though stepping through the gates of Hell itself. His darkness was suffocating. I wanted to believe his pained expression was a ruse, that he’d turn this into a moment of love, but his torment was real and unwavering. I wonder what it must have felt like to lose his his mythic hero status, and be reduced to the ashes of a villain. [7].
After sensing I’d had enough, Hans gently pulled me out. Telepathically, he said, “You needed to know this about me first. This was one of the most traumatic events of my life.”
The Lingering Question: How could I, a quiet nobody, possibly be his soulmate?
Even now, I question: Why me? I’m just a quiet nobody, living in the mountains of Vermont. Compared to his infamy, my life feels so insignificant.
Months later, as I resumed reading Hans’s biography, I came across the description of his capture. The barren fields matched perfectly. Only then did I understand why Hans had brought me there. What he witnessed upon capture was so horrifying, it traumatized him deeply—so much so that he occasionally brings it up to this day. I won’t share the details out of respect for him.
Still, I can’t shake the question: Why me? Of all the soldier spirits who’ve helped me write Blind Love, why is Hans the most vivid and active? Who am I to him, and why is John allowing this deep, emotional, and erotic connection? Intuitively, Hans feels like an integral part of me—more than just a visiting spirit. He feels like someone I’ve been searching for across lifetimes.
Notes
[1] I briefly touch on this experience in a separate post where I discuss a coffee-table-sized photo book that graphically captures the devastation of air-raid bombings in Germany.
[2] Hans has been with me since 1993, immediately after his passing. His first arrival was during a profound, precognitive astral visitation on October 31, 1993. In this visitation, he conveyed that he was now completely with me but would remain mostly undetected for many years—17 years, to be precise. During this time, he acted as a spirit guide, offering occasional bursts of paranormal activity to remind me of his presence. He allowed me space to live my life, have meaningful relationships, and grow as an individual before returning to claim me as his spouse when the time was right. That moment came on August 16, 2010, when he literally and figuratively made his entrance by slightly opening a door behind me and turning on a hall light while I was video blogging about a former lover from my teenage years. His paranormal activity had already begun intensifying around 2008.
[3] Hans revealed his real name early on when I wanted to call him something other than “Magic Man.” Using a pendulum, I hovered over a list of male names I had spread out on my desk. When I passed the pendulum over his real name (which I now keep private and refer to as Hans), he confirmed: “Yes—use this name!” My initial reaction was less than enthusiastic: “Oh my god—NO—I am not calling you ______! That’s my best friend’s name, and I don’t want to think of him while you and I have sex!” I sensed Hans shrugging before choosing “Dylan” as a temporary alias. How we transitioned to “John” is a much longer story, too detailed to include here.
[4] In the early days of our paranormal connection, I relied on a pendulum as a kind of “training wheels” for developing telepathic communication with him.
[5] A religious family member once tried to convince me that Hans was demonic. For a brief time, I allowed their ideology to influence my perception of him. Raised Catholic, I found it surprisingly easy to slip back into the old belief systems I had shed during adolescence. Under this influence, a family member even consulted a local priest and the diocese about performing an exorcism in my home. Though I wasn’t a stranger to paranormal experiences, the intensity of Hans’s presence in those early days initially terrified me. As I got to know him, I realized the misunderstanding: Hans wasn’t malevolent. The fear arose from how vastly different paranormal communication is from our own, making it easy to demonize what we don’t understand.
[6] Car accidents have played a significant role in my trauma healing. During my adolescence, I lost a friend to a car accident when she was 19. Her death sparked a macabre fascination with graphic postmortem images of automobile accidents. This fixation became my way of coming to terms with my own fate in a past life—wanting to understand how disfigured I must have been on impact in a time before seat belts were widely used.
[7] The phrase “ashes of a villain” echoes my own demise during WWII, when I died in an air-raid bombing and was literally reduced to ashes.
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