Introduction: The Struggles of Publicly Sharing My Story
Since Hans entered my life in 1993, then claimed me as his wife in 2010 (no ceremonious marriage act here, at least not initially), it has been challenging to openly share about my relationship with him. I was part of a forum in the 2010s for a few years with others who were intimately involved with subtle beings of all kinds. Unfortunately, it was a hermetically-sealed forum that vetted every member prior to admittance. One of the rules/codes of conduct of the forum was more of a warning about sharing our experiences outside the platform than an actual rule.
I certainly understood/understand the implications of such a disclosure, and like most who are intimately involved with subtle beings, I must, in many ways, live a double life, separating the reality where I have to navigate a career and other physical matters from the reality that I partake in with Hans. This is the main reason I have chosen to start calling myself Lavavoth, so I can safely post about my experiences with Hans.
Despite the forum’s warning about going public, I wanted to share my lived experiences with others beyond the forum about Hans, in part to bring awareness, but also to possibly inspire others in similar situations to come forward. With that said, I was still holding back to some degree about how involved Hans and I were.
I would often use euphemisms to describe our relationship, referring to Hans as a “spirit companion” without getting into the erotic. It was not until I found Megan Rose’s dissertation (Woolever, 2019) that I finally felt emboldened to address the proverbial elephant in the room, that Hans is more than just a companion. He is my lover and husband. Only a few close friends know about the sexual intimacy with Hans that started in 2010. It took him 17 years to sexually engage with me after introducing himself through a profound visitation dream/astral visitation on October 31, 1993.
Along with issues of public disclosure (and perhaps the reason), research, too, was lacking in this area. I would often have to bridge transpersonal research topics such as visitation dreams, after-death communication (ADC), spiritually transformative experiences (STEs), exceptional human experiences (EHE) and shamanic and/or non western, indigenous interdimensional marriages. Regarding the latter topic, German psychologist and ethnologist, Holger Kalweit (1984), begins his chapter on spirit marriage in his book Dreamtime and Inner Space: The World of the Shaman, by normalizing the experience.
The shaman has an extremely personal connection with the Beyond, and thus sexual and erotic contacts between the levels of existence involved should not be seen as unusual or extraordinary. Basically, such amorous relations with beings of the Beyond are no different from the psychic reactions associated with love in everyday life” (p. 127).
Then, on February 5, 2012, I found Donald Tyson’s (2000) book, Sexual Alchemy: Magical Intercourse with Spirits. This out-of-print book is an illuminating and affirming aspect of the esoteric, although not entirely relevant, since Hans was the one who initiated contact with me. Tyson’s book is primarily about how to summon a spirit for sex. In this regard, my experiences with Hans initiating contact aligns with the experiences of Megan Rose and her co-researchers as captured in her dissertation (Woolever, 2019) and in her book (Rose, 2022).
Touching Beyond the Skin: Sex with a Discarnate Being
No matter how hyperbolic and weirdly dramatic it may sound, there have been times where I have just wanted to proclaim it: I’M HAVING THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE WITH A SPIRIT! Although the experience is incredibly pleasurable, I have technically never “orgasmed” with Hans—at least not in the ordinary way. Tyson (2000) states that
an orgasm is not necessarily localized in the penis or clitoris, but may be diffused throughout the entire body and sustained for a period of minutes at a time… These sensations can occur without physical climax, although they are usually accompanied by intense tumescence—far more intense that [sic] normal arousal (Tyson, 2000, p. 313).
Sex with Hans feels like an intense wave of pleasure that at times pulsates up and down the length of my body. It is mind-blowingly blissful. Sometimes Hans feels so much like a male human in that I can clearly differentiate his anatomical parts (e.g., fingers, tongue, and penis). Sometimes the corporeality of his invisible penis can be as similar as having sex with a physical man. Orion Foxwood’s describes spirit sex in this way:
Now do I feel it in those “genital” parts of my body sometimes? Oh my God, yeah. Except the difference is when she follows in that way with me, at the risk of sounding vulgar, it's not just my penis that goes erect, it's like all of my cellular structure goes into exaltation, into full life (Rose, 2022, p. 82).
Foxwood’s accounts underscore the dual conundrum of having to describe sex with a subtle being. One the one hand, it feels corporeal, on the other hand, the experience can be so ethereal and spiritual that putting it into words becomes an elusive exercise toward something that is impossible to describe, although I will try just the same.
At times it feels like a vibration or pulse. More often than not, his touch goes beyond the skin, feeling more like a deep internal full-body massage where every organ, every cell has the capacity to become simultaneously erogenous and divine. For someone like myself who has lived with chronic pain for two decades, his touch additionally borders on the medicinal. My pain tolerance has improved over the years despite having a degenerative disease.
Unlike a physical man, Hans can make love for hours. He claims that for spirits, sex is like having a perpetual orgasm. We have had plenty of day-long, love making sessions over the years, although this has dwindled over time as well, which I will address in another post in the future. Tyson (2000) describes his spirit sex experiences in this way:
The feelings are blissful, intense, prolonged far beyond what is usually held to be the limits of ordinary human endurance, and more beautiful than any other experience in life. I do not believe that it is possible for the satisfaction of physical sex with a human being to ever equal the pleasure of sexual union with the spirit (p. xiv).
I have to agree. Having sex with Hans is significantly more pleasurable than with a human being. But Hans has also bluntly stated that he could kill me during love making if he were to demonstrate his full capacity. I believe him. There have been times during our sessions that I have had to abruptly stop the encounter due to heart palpitations or near asthmatic events. The sexual intensity between spirits is unparalleled and far too energetically profound to be endured by any physical being.
A Hollywood example of this can be seen in Breaking Dawn, the Twilight series where Bella (the human) and Edward (the Vampire) finally make love. Much like the myth of Eros and Psyche, the clip begins with Bella/Psyche entering a dark liminal space (the ocean) to meet her otherworldly lover. The scene cuts to them in a dimly lit bedroom where Edward/Eros is seen carefully holding back his lethal virility as he makes love to her. The bed frame becomes collateral damage of his powerful desire. Like Psyche, Bella awakens to an empty and destroyed chamber. Feathers float down to her face, the evidence of an angelic/otherworldly encounter from the night before. In many ways, stories like Twilight are inspired by myths. According to Lowenthal (2004), "you can recognize a story as mythological when you perceive that is has happened to you in some form. In myths [like Eros and Psyche] you must be willing to be transported into a world of imagination, reflection and inspiration (p. 66).
But sex with Hans is more than romantic scenes or mythological/fairy-tale representations of bodily pleasure that without my otherworldly lover’s restraint could potentially annihilate me with its force. Sex with Hans (as hinted in the film) is also a spiritual experience. It is what Palmer and Hastings (2013) call an extraordinary human experience (EHE). EHE is likened to transpersonal experiences, a term coined by Stanislav Grof (1973) defined as "involving an expansion or extension of consciousness beyond the usual ego boundaries and the limitations of time and space" (pp. 48 - 49, as cited in Palmer & Hastings, 2013, p. 334). There are over 100 types of EHEs documented (White, 1993, as cited in Palmer & Hastings, 2013, p. 334). Tyson (2000) offers personal validation via his description of the spiritual aspect of making love with his spirit lover:
The overriding emotion in the heart during lovemaking is a profound Joy–or perhaps a better word to describe the feeling would be bliss... This Bliss sustains itself for prolonged periods, and separate from the sharper but much briefer and less perfect sensation of sexual orgasm… The sensation is exhilarating, even intoxicating, and often accompanied by the delightful sense of floating on a flowing river, and of being lifted out of the shell of the body…Her caresses are never forced upon me, nor are they ever withheld when I seek them with love in my heart. Her touch is directed by turns upon individual parts of my body, then expanded to encompass larger areas of my skin, and even to penetrate deep into my organs and muscles. Her kiss and the gentle brush of her fingertips are sometimes impossible to distinguish from the touches of a woman of flesh and blood, and the same might be said of her embrace and the contact along the length of my body when she is lying beside me, yet she can just as easily stimulate my back or thighs or belly with intense pleasure in a way that does not depend on the caress of a hand (p. xiii).
To Be Indwelled
Megan Rose (2022) discusses spirit sex encounters in her book as a feeling of being “indwelled.” In Part 1, she details the experiences of Hadewijch of Brabant as an example of indwelling:
He shall teach you what he is and with that wonderful sweetness the one lover lives in the other and so permeates the other that they do not know themselves from each other. but they possess each other in mutual delight, mouth and mouth, heart and heart, body and body, soul and soul, while a single divine nature flows through them and they both become one through each other, yet remain themselves (p.33).
Later in the book Rose discusses one of several examples of indwelling in a vision while getting a massage:
He sits down next to me and then lies back into my body, indwelling inside of me, and we merge. I experience an upswell of indescribable joy, as if my heart will burst, it is so full of love.. I am filled with his lonely presence, and we merge. again my heart and now womb are open and full to bursting. I feel whole, complete, indwelled (Rose, 2022, p. 306).
In a previous post, I have used the phrase “walk-in” to describe this kind of indwelling. Indwelling or walk-ins are not synonymous with spirit possession although it is easy to confuse the two. A true possession may involve a malicious and uninvited entity to essentially take over one’s body and mind. To be indwelled is more subtle and less invasive. According to Hans, spirits partake in indwelling all the time with incarnated beings as a way to read thoughts, assess physical health and subtle energies, and as a way to quietly/unconsciously whisper their guidance. It may be argued that spirit communication/telepathy may be possible in part by indwelling. In Speaking Into the Air: A History of the Idea of Communication, John Durham Peters (1999), devotes nearly an entire chapter to the communication of angels. He states:
Since the purpose of mortal speech is to manifest what is hidden, what use would speech be among such lucidly intelligible beings? Angels speak by directing their “concept”or mind “in such a way that it becomes known to the other.” Aquinas's vision of angelic contact is similar to what psychical research called “thought-transference” or telepathy. The speech of angels “is interior, but perceived, nevertheless, by another.” The interiority of one angel is transmitted to another without loss or remainder. Since angels, as pure form, lack material bodies, “neither difference of time nor local distance has any influence whatsoever.” For Aquinas, angels understand others in an instantaneous unfurling of inferiorities. The self and the other would both be transparent to behold... They, of all beings, know no communication breakdown, for they are not encased within a shell of flesh or subject to an obstreperous will (p. 77).
For angels to cut through “the density of our bodies and… our wills" (p. 76), they must first gently penetrate our barriers to dispense guidance or to hear our thoughts. In other words, initiation or communication more often than not begins "through a noiselesss rustle of intelligence without the ministry of language or matter" (Peters, 1999, p. 77) prior to having sex. Initial contact can also begin decades prior to intimacy and can arrive as a dream encounter, a whisper of encouragement or love, a sublime experience in the woods, and countless of other ways. Sex, although profound, mind-blowing, and life altering is merely a tiny of sliver of what it is like to married to a subtle being and the daily navigation of inter-dimensional reality that one must undertake to be with one's ethereal lover.
References
Kalweit, H. (1984). Dreamtime & innerspace: The world of the shaman. Shambhala.
Lowenthal, M. (2004). Alchemy of the soul: The Eros & Psyche myth as a guide to transformation. Nicholas-Hays, Inc.
Palmer, G., & Hastings, A. (2013). Exploring the nature of exceptional human experiences: Recognizing, understanding, and appreciating EHEs. In H. L. Friedman & G. Hartelius (Eds.), The Wiley-Blackwell handbook of transpersonal psychology (p. 333–351). Wiley Blackwell.
Peters, J.D. (1999). Speaking into the air: A history of the idea of communication. University of Chicago Press.
Rose, M. (2022). Spirit marriage: Intimate relationships with otherworldly beings. Bear & Company.
Tyson, D. (2000). Sexual alchemy: Magical intercourse with spirits. Llewellyn Publications.
Woolever, M. R. (2019). Spirit marriage: An organic, transcultural inquiry into intimate relationships between humans and extraordinary beings [Ph.D., California Institute of Integral Studies]. http://search.proquest.com/pqdtglobal/docview/2333972406/abstract/A08F2C30B9474D4EPQ/18
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