I had never anticipated that my soulmate would arrive into my arms postmortem. Like any normal person, I expected him to show up in the flesh.
As thought about this assignment more, I decided to revise my "artist" list to the ones that synchronously encapsulate my relationship with Hans. Long ago, just a few years before Hans's death, I began to sense or have an inner knowing about his arrival. It was a kind of initial awakening that arrived through certain films, lifestyles, and music. From 1990 (starting essentially after watching Edward Scissorhands) to 1993, I experienced some of the most spiritually confusing times in my life. I was beginning to have experiences that were otherworldly, which made it all the more intense and impactful, and why to this day, I am still able to recall these moments with such clarity.
I had never anticipated that my soulmate would arrive into my arms postmortem. Like any normal person, I expected him to show up in the flesh. But when Hans showed up in an astral-visitation-cum-precognition on October 31, 1993 [1], and despite not fully understanding the spiritual experience at the time, something greatly shifted in me.
The topics below delve into the felt sense experiences of yearning for someone I didn't know, and yet weirdly understood that he was out there and would be entering my life. The frustration, longing, and sadness that I felt in the early 1990s knowing he (Hans) was close, and yet having no idea how to find him, came through in ways that I have only recently been able to make sense of. For me, the portal to the unknown was again reopened [2] at the movie premier of Edward Scissorhands in 1990, while on my first (and last) dose of mescaline (I hadn't even tried alcohol and cannabis at that point). I was 17 years old and already shifting into the transpersonal [3].
Edward Scissorhands
Unrequited love became a kind of psychologically, self-inflicted wound that would leave the horrifying scars of a broken heart.
There were about 10 of us who went to the movie theater together, all of us on mesculine. I have no idea how we managed to arrive to the theater in one piece, but we did. We were all peaking or nearly peaking on the substance. We were obnoxiously loud, I remember that. I also remember shouting, "Look, the walls are breathing!" Taking notice of the anthropomorphic quality of its ribbed texture.
So at first during the film, I was caught up with how "trippy" everything appeared (and let's be honest, the film itself is seems like a strange acid trip!). But as the plot developed between Edward (Johnny Depp) and Kim (Winona Ryder), I began to sense something familiar---a kind of longing that I was trying to place. It was perhaps the first time that I began to truly feel a sense of private alienation via the unfurling love between Edward and Kim and their inevitable severance. Indeed, Markley (2007) describes Edward's 'scissorhands' as a "mark [of] alienation from others that is fundamental to the film's depiction of adolescent identity: to be is to cut and to be cut" (p. 277). In this regard, unrequited love became a kind of psychologically, self-inflicted wound that would leave the horrifying scars of a broken heart.
At 17, I had crushes and boyfriends, some of which were quite profound. And yet, as I tried to superimpose the feelings that were coming up for me during the film on these love interests, no one seemed to fulfill the longing or possess the soulmate qualities I was looking for.
Edward Scissorhands made me realize that my soulmate was still out there somewhere, but something felt off----a strange sort of knowing that he was much too distant and unattainable---hidden away in a dark castle like Edward at the edge of reality, liminal and supernatural enough to know that this was not going to be the "happily ever after" fairy tale ending I had hoped for.
It seems as if somewhere in the depth of the collective unconscious of the time, some of the best gothic and unrequited love stories were birthed, and I was synchronously situated in the middle of it, offering me signposts to what would eventually arrive---a spirit lover of cinematic proportions.
"Everyday is Halloween": Death, Goth and Industrial Sensibilities Stir Up an Unconscious Subtext of World War II
I fearlessly explored everything, from Wicca to Satanic witchcraft, trying to edge my way closer to the truth, trying to find my own kind of magic that could help me to lift the veil.
I was blessed to have parents that allowed me to explore self-expression in a way that most would consider much too weird, spooky, demonic, and exceedingly dark for any adolescent to delve into. During my time in high school, I was fortunate to have seen dozens of live goth, punk, and industrial performances. In my lifetime so far, I have seen hundreds of various kinds of live performances. Indeed, being at live performances is one my greatest life experiences. It is something that has made my life on this planet at worst tolerable, and at best worth living.
Goth and industrial music became a kind of supernatural anthem to darker times that I was not yet conscious of. Industrial bands such as the German band, Einstürzende Neubauten, jolted my senses into a dystopian, war-like reality---a postwar German landscape covered in an endless sea of rubble, and me, still buried beneath it. Their music along with other musicians of that time, offered a disturbing sense of the familiar that I had yet to excavate from the depth of my DNA.
Without being anywhere near to understanding my connection to Hans and my past life in Germany, I was beginning to unconsciously sense it through self-expression, lifestyle, music, and film. Because I was merely dabbling with various spiritual practices, exploring these dark pasts had to mostly happen vicariously (through media) and viscerally, latching onto feelings that I recognized but could not accurately place.
The goth and industrial scene ultimately guided me to witchcraft and I fearlessly explored everything, from Wicca to Satanic witchcraft, trying to edge my way closer to the truth, trying to find my own kind of magic that could help me to lift the veil. Although many of the concepts were difficult for me understand, I was realizing in my own way that the answers were probably anchored to the spirit world. This was three years before Hans's death.
Through film, music and subaltern spiritual practices, I allowed myself to be transported. Although back then, I referred to shamanic journeying as mere reveries or daydreams, it wasn't until years later while learning about shamanism that I realized the depth of my experiences, moving between the shamanic worlds, meeting up with guides who offered small clues to something greater I could not yet decipher through the strong beats of the music.
I was much too young and inexperienced to truly comprehend the enormity of these experiences in a way that were life altering.
I began to cut myself--not because I was a cutter in the psychological sense, but because I wanted to make art with my own blood (this hobby was short-lived due to my low tolerance for pain and fear of infection). I also was weirdly drawn to the scarification process of these cuts. Long before I could consciously connect Edward Scissorhands or the more intangible and erotic, the Mensur scar of German academic fencing, I was trying to gather past experiences through self-mutilating acts in the present.
As I continued dating guys, in search of the elusive soulmate, I became more and more despondent as 1993 neared. I wanted to die. I thought about it all the time. I felt misunderstood and isolated, stuck in a world I didn't belong in, and most importantly, tired of waiting for him (Hans). The only solace I seemed to find was at cemeteries, which opened other ways of being in the world where I could tap into things that were much larger than the banality of this world. But I was much too young and inexperienced to truly comprehend the enormity of these experiences in a way that were life altering. Instead I became frustrated by my limitations, my naïveté, and my inability to fully grasp why I mourned and longed for someone who refused to materialize.
A Love Remembered: The Abyss of a Broken Heart via a Dark Love Story
Even the original trailer of the film did not fully hint at its epic tale of romance, but I sensed something profound, and even life-altering about the film.
When Bram Stoker's Dracula was released in 1992 on the eve of Hans's death, I intuitively knew that I had to see it in the theater on my own. Even the original trailer of the film did not fully hint at its epic tale of romance, but I sensed something profound, and even life-altering about the film. Similar to the way that the Lockerbie bombing in 1988 opened a powerful and confusing wound within me that I would eventually come to understand as a past life awakening/recall, so too did this film unleash something cathartic and emotional.
I remember going home after the film and questioning my sanity. I couldn't comprehend why I felt so torn up about a love I could not find. This film offered hints that quite possibly, a past life, or a dead lover were at play, but my rational mind dismissed it.
In the scene when Mina senses a distant past that was still unrecoverable---her confusion as she envisaged these scenes in her mind, while Dracula looked on in disbelief realizing she was beginning to lift the veil----this scenario is my own journey. Hans would later say that like Dracula, he witnessed my psychic awareness opening, but hung back, vowing to keep his distance so that I could flourish in this life without his interruption, which I did. I eventually flourished because I had no choice. It was either that or death. And death will be here sooner than I know. I'm on borrowed time now.
A Nightmare Before Christmas: "We're Simply Meant to Be"
It's as if I inherently understood that his death signified his arrival into my life.
Like Dracula, I knew I had to see The Nightmare Before Christmas when it opened in the theater alone. This time, I went during the matinée when hardly anyone was there. It was the end of October 1993 and Hans was already dead. Strangely, although not aware of him at this time, my life started to feel more stable and less forlorn. I was less hung up about finding my soulmate.
It's as if I inherently understood that his death signified his arrival into my life. The final scene in this film (shown above), was so eerily timed for Hans's arrival. Just a few days after seeing this film, he step into my life during his first astral visitation. To this day, watching that scene between Jack and Sally brings tears to my eyes. Like Jack stepping out the blackness of the cemetery, Hans emerged from a black void in this visitation. It is one of the most profound experiences I have ever had with him.
"Where Are You? Where Are You?": Obsessions from Another Reality
I think I've been asleep
I saw lights on the road
Clouds moving overhead
At a speed I couldn't follow
It was very dark
I tried to keep my eyes
On the white lines
But the sky
Where are you, where are you?
There were voices in the trees
And it became to me
I knew I'd feel him
And so I'd open
Where are you, where are you?
Do you think it could be explained
Why if I dream was I awake
Why in his love I'm not afraid
Why did I fall to my knees?
Why did I cry out, "Please, please, please, please"
Because of Hans, I finally had the courage to move out of my parents' home in Florida and come to Vermont----a place that from the moment I saw it, I knew was home.
Given how important music and concert going were in my life at this time, I became friends with the owner of an alternative record store that used to exist in Central Florida called Wax Tree. Periodically, the owner would call me up to let me know of new arrivals to his shop that I may like. It was early November 1993 when I received a call from him.
"I have a new cd for you try out. It's not goth or industrial, but something tells me you may like this departure."
The album, This is How it Feels by the Golden Palominos, was released immediately following Hans's death although it didn't arrive into my life until after the astral visitation with him. I would end up playing the opening track, Sleep Walk, on repeat for months on end. This song became a kind of plea with Hans for his return. Could we please see other again when I fall asleep?
I didn't know what to make of my experience with him in that reality, but he calmed me and stabilized me. Because of Hans, I finally had the courage to move out of my parents' home in Florida and come to Vermont----a place that from the moment I saw it, I knew was home, even though I had never been up here nor had any family up here. Hans guided me to Vermont. Indeed, some parts of Vermont look a lot like the bucolic parts of Germany (Hans grew up and died in a small German village). None of this was at the surface back then. It was all beyond my comprehension. All I could do was to trust that quiet voice within that kept guiding me closer to the truth---a voice I trusted as something bigger and more knowing than my own---a voice I would later come understand as Hans's voice, whispering his guidance, protecting me through my journey until it was time for him to claim me as his wife and offer me this "'rich prison'" (beati carceri; Morwood, 2010, p. 108) that I currently occupy. The term rich prison is a reference to Psyche's dilemma of being married to a supernatural being. Indeed, Morwood (2010) captures Psyche’s struggle in this way:
Psyche’s commitment to the delights of her life in the palace is trapping her in a space that her emotional health demands that she should leave. Cupid then makes love to Psyche but they are invisible to each other, and he departs before sunrise (5.5.4). She becomes happy with the situation and for the moment finds comfort for her solitude in the sound of the unknown voice (5.4.5). But there is surely something profoundly unsatisfactory about a relationship in which a wife who is not blind can only feel her husband’s full presence by her hands and ears, not by her eyes (5.5.1). And we should scarcely be surprised that, since he withholds from her the sense of a delineated personality that would enable her to relate to him in human terms, she starts to see the palace as a ‘rich prison’ (beati carceris, 5.5.5). The attractions of her gilded cage have worn thin (p. 108 - 109).
In other words, although I love Hans and I'm glad we get to have this, it is not without its own set of challenges and heartbreaks. It'll do for now, but it's not ideal, not for either of us.
Other Inspirational Art, Films and Music
"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?" Hans said something similar to me at the beginning of our relationship eluding to his life as fighter pilot in Nazi, Germany. In this way, Hans is the tortured antihero, a quintessential beast doomed to remain isolated and unassimilated for being on the wrong side history.
In 2010, Hans guided me to the film, Twilight. It's amazing how much paranormal romances seem to echo my experiences with Hans and why I'm fascinated by/drawn to vampire love films.
"When we were writing the book, I was happy. We were accomplishing something together. Now when I try to think about the future, it's all dark and confused, like trying to see into the fog."
My all-time favorite paranormal romance that Hans also brought into my life in 2010. In this story Captain Daniel helps Lucia publish a bestseller book about his life. Again, the synchronicities are astounding.
Another paranormal romance that Hans brought into my life in 2010. I address this film too in this post regarding all the ghosts that hung around for over two years as I wrote Blind Love. Rather than watching avant-garde or criterion collection films, we watched WWII documentaries and films instead.
I saw this in 2008, a couple of years before Hans finally and permanently arrived. The ending is like the afterlife---the idyllic place we'll go and be finally together.
Hans says he sings this song to me. This is just one of many.
My body turns
And yearns for a sleep that won't ever come
It's never over
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over
All my riches for her smiles
When I've slept so soft against her
It's never over
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over
She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Hans sings this song to me as well. The lyrics are uncanny. It's no wonder I had such a crush on Newton-John in the early 80s. She kind of looks like him!
I learned about this band just before going to Berlin, Germany for the first time in 2016. Henning May's voice coupled with his gaunt appearance is tortured and seductive.
References
Markley, R. (2007). Geek/goth: Remediation and Nostalgia in Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands. In L. M. E. Goodlad & M. Bibby (Eds.), Goth: Undead subculture (pp. 277 - 292). Duke University Press.
Morwood, J. (2010). Cupid grows up. Greece & Rome, 57(1), 107–116. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0017383509990301
Notes
[1] Hans came to me in this way several weeks after his death.
[2] Reopened in that I started seeing spirits when I was 4 years old while living abroad. When I returned to the U.S., I lost my abilities as I desperately tried to assimilate and acculturate to stop the bullying I was experiencing. In this way, I unknowingly closed myself off to the paranormal for many years.
[3] Several months before seeing Edward Scissorhands, I had my first spontaneous out-of-body experience (OBE). Like all other events of this time, I remember the experience with remarkable clarity.
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