It's not that I ever thought I would find [Hans's] actual portrait. It was a spiritual and aesthetic quest to get as close to his doppelgänger as possible.
I had no intention of ever becoming an antique photo collector. Sure, as a darkroom photography enthusiast, my love for vintage photo processes began in college. Long before the advent of digital photography and an era of instant gratification, I used to spend hours in the darkroom processing negatives and developing my photo prints in chemical baths, creating double exposures and strange photo collages at the enlarger. The element of surprise and the enduring presence of patience made the process all the more rewarding. I never knew what I was going to get from my experiments.
Romantic pursuit of Doppelgängers
As I slowly gathered the photos of these dead men into an album, I realized I was becoming a keeper of historical artifacts.
So when Hans came on the scene in 2010 [1], and still not knowing who he was at the time, I decided to search for his face in the portraits of other dead men. Even in 1993 when Hans first appeared to me following his death in an astral visitation, I already knew his physical features. He was blond (bordering on platinum blond), blue eyed, fair skinned, thin and absolutely gorgeous. In hindsight, collecting antique photos (i.e., what would turn out to be the most expensive hobby I've ever endeavored) was more of a romantic pursuit in trying to understand what Hans looked like. It's not that I ever thought I would find his actual portrait [2]. It was a spiritual and aesthetic quest to get as close to his doppelgänger as possible. And it's not that Hans wanted me to amass such a collection either [3]. But as I slowly gathered the photos of these dead men into an album, I realized I was becoming a keeper of historical artifacts.
A Return to Slowness: The Polaroid
In this regard, along with the element of surprise, Polaroids offers a return to slower times and greater intentionality.
Photographic processes evoke the qualities of slowness. From the amount of time a sitter had to remain motionless as the plate developed, to the darkroom process of developing the photo itself. The waiting times to see the results added an element of excitement that has all but disappeared in the world of digital photography and digital editing. We have come to expect fast images, and with the endless options for digital enhancement even the most untalented photographer can get away with creating breathtaking works of art.
Good photography is so easy to attain that it's become uninteresting, thus reviving an enchantment for old processes such as the Polaroid. Although this process is less expensive than other forms of vintage photographic processes, it is still not entirely affordable. For instance, a pack of 8 black and white Polaroid film costs about $2 per sheet. This means you have to be deliberate with what you are wanting to capture. In this regard, along with the element of surprise, Polaroids offers a return to slower times and greater intentionality.
Pretty Faces Lead to Darker Themes
To return to the topic of my photo collection, which started with a quest to anchor Hans's face through the representation of old photographs of men, the collection itself would expand to include other categories including postmortem, double exposure, unique snapshots, women portraitures, portraits and snapshots of couples, erotic photography, militaria, and military portraiture--the latter two primarily from Germany during World War II. In this last cluster of taboo ephemera, additional subcategories emerged including bombed out German cities, Messerschmitts (both in pristine condition or destroyed), German soldier portraiture (where I found a surplus of Hans doppelgängers), Panzers, and dead Nazis, the latter of which could be further categorized as postmortem military photos.
Occasionally, I think about my mortality and wonder how someone stumbling across this unlabeled album of dark ephemera might react.
My enthusiasm for collecting antique photographs has waned over the years, partly due to the expense and partly because I’ve grown more drawn to the idea of owning fewer material items. While I’m far from embracing minimalism, the desire for a more streamlined life has tempered my once fervent quest. Originally, I started collecting these photographs as a way to create some sort of frame of reference for Hans’s face—long before he revealed his identity to me. It took years for him to do so, largely because I wasn’t ready to confront the truth about his and our connections to World War II [4].
When he finally revealed his identity [5], searching for his face in others became meaningless.
That said, my fascination with Messerschmitts persists [6]. Every so often, I scour the internet for interesting photographs of these planes. If the price is right and the image stands out as aesthetically unique, I might purchase it. However, it’s been over a year since I’ve added anything to my collection. I’ve toyed with the idea of framing and displaying some of the more abstract and unusual images of planes—those free of swastikas, which is no small challenge given the symbol’s ubiquity in wartime Germany. For now, these photos remain stored in a large, unlabeled black photo album.
Occasionally, I think about my mortality and wonder how someone stumbling across this unlabeled album of dark ephemera might react. Without context, the collection could easily be misinterpreted, and my reputation dismantled. But in the end, it won’t matter. When that time comes, I’ll be with Hans again, far removed from the judgments of others, in a dimension where criticism no longer has any weight.
Notes
[1] Technically Hans has been in life since 1993 shortly after his passing in that same year.
[2] The truth of the matter is that I did know intuitively and unconsciously that I would ultimately find Hans's face through photos. Although I did not know this at the time, I find it interesting that in hindsight, I knew that vintage photos were my link to finding Hans. It's like the WWII love letter collection that I acquired months before the photo collection began.
[3] He's from a region in Germany that is wealthy and its population is generally known for being extremely careful with their money.
[4] Hans as a fighter pilot in Nazi Germany, and me as a civilian who died in an air-raid bombing----a strange ironic twist that is not exactly the rainbows and unicorns I was hoping for.
[5] Synchronously through a photo years after the my collection began.
[6] Hans exclusively flew Messerschmitts during the war.
Comments