It's not that I ever thought I would find [Hans's] actual portrait. It was a spiritual and aesthetic quest to get as close to his doppelgänger as possible.
I had no intention of ever becoming an antique photo collector. Sure, as a darkroom photography enthusiast, my love for vintage photo processes began in college. Long before the advent of digital photography and an era of instant gratification, I used to spend hours in the darkroom processing negatives and developing my photo prints in chemical baths, creating double exposures and strange photo collages at the enlarger. The element of surprise and the enduring presence of patience made the process all the more rewarding. I never knew what I was going to get from my experiments.
Romantic pursuit of Doppelgängers
As I slowly gathered the photos of these dead men into an album, I realized I was becoming a keeper of historical artifacts.
So when Hans came on the scene in 2010 [1], and still not knowing who he was at the time, I decided to search for his face in the portraits of other dead men. Even in 1993 when Hans first appeared to me following his death in an astral visitation, I already knew his physical features. He was blond (bordering on platinum blond), blue eyed, fair skinned, thin and absolutely gorgeous. In hindsight, collecting antique photos (i.e., what would turn out to be the most expensive hobby I've ever endeavored) was more of a romantic pursuit in trying to understand what Hans looked like. It's not that I ever thought I would find his actual portrait [2]. It was a spiritual and aesthetic quest to get as close to his doppelgänger as possible. And it's not that Hans wanted me to amass such a collection either [3]. But as I slowly gathered the photos of these dead men into an album, I realized I was becoming a keeper of historical artifacts.
A Return to Slowness: The Polaroid
In this regard, along with the element of surprise, Polaroids offers a return to slower times and greater intentionality.
Photographic processes evoke the qualities of slowness. From the amount of time a sitter had to remain motionless as the plate developed, to the darkroom process of developing the photo itself. The waiting times to see the results added an element of excitement that has all but disappeared in the world of digital photography and digital editing. We have come to expect fast images, and with the endless options for digital enhancement even the most untalented photographer can get away with creating breathtaking works of art.
Good photography is so easy to attain that it's become uninteresting, thus reviving an enchantment for old processes such as the Polaroid. Although this process is less expensive than other forms of vintage photographic processes, it is still not entirely affordable. For instance, a pack of 8 black and white Polaroid film costs about $2 per sheet. This means you have to be very deliberate with what you are wanting to capture. In this regard, along with the element of surprise, Polaroids offers a return to slower times and greater intentionality.
Pretty Faces Lead to Darker Themes
To return to the topic of my photo collection, which started with a quest to anchor Hans's face through the representation of old photographs of men, the collection itself would expand to include other categories including postmortem, double exposure, unique snapshots, women portraitures, portraits and snapshots of couples, erotic photography, militaria, and military portraiture--the latter two primarily from Germany during World War II. In this last cluster of taboo ephemera, additional subcategories emerged including bombed out German cities, Messerschmitts (both in pristine condition or destroyed), German soldier portraiture (where I found a surplus of Hans doppelgängers), Panzers, and dead Nazis, the latter of which could be further categorized as postmortem military photos.
Sometimes, I think about my morality and wonder how the person who finds this unlabeled album of dark ephemera would react to its content.
My fervor in collecting antique photographs has decreased or the years in part because of the expense. I have also become more drawn with the idea of having less material items in my life, although I'm far from being a minimalist. The reason I started this quest in the first place was to have some sort of frame of reference for Hans's face long before he revealed his identity to me, which took years for him to do, partly because I wasn't ready to here about his/our affiliations with World War II [4]. When he finally revealed his identity to me [5], searching for his face in others became pointless.
But my attraction to Messerschmitts [6] persists. Periodically, I search the internet to see if any interesting photos of these planes pop up. If the price is right and if the image is aesthetically unique, I purchase it. But it's been over a year since I have purchased any photos. I've thought about framing and hanging some of the more abstract and weird images of planes---the ones that are devoid of any swastikas (which is challenging considering how ubiquitous this symbol was in Germany during this time period). So for now, these photos are stowed away in a large unlabeled black photo album. Sometimes, I think about my morality and wonder how the person who finds this unlabeled album of dark ephemera would react to its content. Without context, my reputation and my collection would be destroyed. But I won't care at that point because I will be with Hans again, dimensions away from the harsh criticisms of others.
Notes
[1] Technically Hans has been in life since 1993 shortly after his passing in that same year.
[2] The truth of the matter is that I did know intuitively and unconsciously that I would ultimately find Hans's face through photos. Although I did not know this at the time, I find it interesting that in hindsight, I knew that vintage photos were my link to finding Hans. It's like the WWII love letter collection that I acquired months before the photo collection began.
[3] He's from a region in Germany that is wealthy and its population is generally known for being extremely careful with their money.
[4] Hans as a fighter pilot in Nazi Germany, and me as a civilian who died in an air-raid bombing----a strange ironic twist that is not exactly the rainbows and unicorns I was hoping for.
[5] Synchronously through a photo years after the my collection began.
[6] Hans exclusively flew Messerschmitts during the war.
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